story time 

This is the Cathedral of Akureyri in Iceland.

This is an uneditted selfie (of me) in front of it at night. 

​and contrasted against the majestic green of the Northern Lights, is quite stunning.







Not unike the following stories. 



(BTW, in searching for a good Freddy Kreuger light pic, which I didn't find, I found something better.
Something scarier than Freddy himself.

Beyonce's best friend "acting" in a Freddy movie.




You should be deeply offended by that last sentence, btw.




Cool pic though, right?! It really is uneditted.


​


At 3:20pm, they light this sucker up with Freddy Krueger-esque-red-light like the beacon for pedophilic-satanic-vampire-cults this Church probably might be/is.

Why 3:20pm?
​'Cause that's when the kids get out of school.
An hour after it gets dark.


In searching for a pic of Freddy, I found something way scarier. 

Beyonce's best friend attempting to act.

Here she is at the hospital after the Super Bowl when Beyonce' told her she was a basic bitch so she a liiitle too much coke. 
​

​
Just kidding. This is her at Coachella after Beyonce' told her that she has more respect for Becky with the good hair.

Kidding again! 

Turns out she was in the straight-to-forgotten horror flick "Freddy vs. Jason" in the year who-cares.

Friends, I MET Kelly Rowland.
Therefore, I feel I KNOW Kelly Rowland.
She can sing! She can somewhat dance!
(Meaning she doesn't have Lou Gehrig's.)
But.
She is what I would call ... very ... diva un-likable.

And, I like divas. I DO! 

But not this feaux diva.

I met her.
And friends, Meeting Kelly is only 5% of my 2009 reality TV show experience.

Yes! I was on The Fashion Show with Isaac Mizrahi on the elite Bravo Network!

Yes! I was a fashion MODEL for a day AND (spoiler alert!) I WON guest-model episode in the dress my designer made for me!

And Yes! It was an incredible experience! 
Meaning, the show lacked all credibility for representing what any reasonable person would consider "reality"!

In short, it made me look like a fucking idiot.

I wish I was kidding.
​Story, among others, below.












How I Landed Myself at Riker's. Almost.

Sandy: Not Such A Dumb Dog After All.

     

​​I tried to save the world.
The world was like, "I'm good."

​

​​
​When I was seven, I got sued.  
​The same year I saw E.T. 
It wasn't the court system that traumatized me.

​​My sister and I took a plane trip by ourselves! I was 10. She was 12.
My mom booked us in the smoking section for a cool discount. 
Welcome to 1987.

I'm on the right.

​​I was on Isaac Mizrahi's The Fashion Show in 2009.
And I WON!
​
Also? The designer tasked with making a dress for a "real woman" cried over the size of my butt.
Yeah. Let that sink in for a second. 

A grown ass woman cried over the challenge of designing something for my body and said through her tears to everyone watching cable that night, "She has a 43 inch butt. I've never felt so uninspired."

Here's what happened.

This is the vampire outfit she made for me. No, I didn't get to keep it.